It's a not so wonderful life
by nostalgiafan2
Summary: It's Christmas Eve and Edge has been fired from  WWE.  Angry over this, Edge wishes he that he were never born.  His guardian angel shows up that night to show him what the world would be like if he wasn't born.  But it isn't quite what Edge expected.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1.

It was December 24, Christmas Eve. Edge had just arrived at the arena in his crappy rental car. It was all he could afford ever since Vince started cutting everyone's pay. Edge opened up his car door, and fell flat on his ass because of the extremely slippery ice that was everywhere.

"God, I fucking hate Christmas so much" Edge said in anger as he picked himself back up, only to slip and fall yet again.

"I REALLY hate Christmas" He said, picking himself up again, this time taking slow and easy steps towards the arena doors.

"Merry Christmas dude" Randy greeted when he saw Edge burst through the doors.

"What's so merry about it?" Edge asked with a huff. "Christmas means nothing to me, just a cold and miserable time of year".

"Well, bah-hum-bug Scrooge, what's up your ass?"

"Nothing, I've just been having a bad day. I could only afford a shitty rental car, I've been slippin and fallin out on the ice all day, and I haven't gotten a world title shot in ages." Edge complained.

"Well Edge, not to make a bad day worse or anything, but Vince has been releasin' superstars left and right all day today." Randy said.

"So? Why is this of any concern to me?" Edge asked.

"So, might wanna take a look at who's been future endeavored this time" Randy said, signalling for Edge to follow him into the locker room.

"Alright, but this better be worth my time" Edge replied, following Randy.

When they arrived to the locker room, Randy opened up his laptop and logged in. He went to and showed Edge the list of wrestlers that had been released as of that very day.

"R-truth, Heath Slater, William Regal, JTG" Edge read off. 'Big deal, why should I give a shit about any of these assclowns?"

"Better scroll down a little further"

"Whatever"

Edge scrolled down further to the bottom of the list. Finally, when he reached the bottom, he couldn't believe whose name he saw.

"ME?" Edge cried out in disbelief.

Randy nodded. "I'm sorry man"

"HOW THE FUCK COULD THEY DO THIS TO ME! ME! ONE OF THE TOP STARS IN THIS WHOLE FUCKING BUSINESS!"

"Look man, I'm sorry, I really am. Mcmahon was gonna call you into his office to tell you the news, but... I thought you should hear it from a friend first"

"Yeah, thanks, thaks for nothin"

Edge was so furious, he punched a hole through the wall.

"OW! SON OF A BITCH! THAT HURT!" Edge exclaimed in horrible pain.

"Edge, you okay man?" Randy asked with concern for his friend.

"Don't you touch me! Get the hell away from me you backstabbing son of a bitch! Just get the hell out of here!"

Just then, Vince walked into the room.

"What's all this screaming and yelling abou... Oh, Edge, hello there" Vince said, stopping himself once he saw the face of the man he was getting ready to fire.

"Yeah yeah yeah, you don't even have to tell me, I already know everything. You're grand plans to fire my ass and throw me out on the streets!" Edge said.

"Well now Edge, I see you already know about your release. Now, I just want you to know I'm not doing this to be the big bad boss, I'm doing this because we need to make room for younger and bigger talents. You're a real prize now Edge, don't get me wrong, but... your time is up here with the WWE, and I believe its time we said goodbye."

"I understand." Edge replied.

"You do?" Vince asked, shocked.

"Yes, of course I do. I understand... I understand that you're a cheap, insensitive, selfish, pig,headed, insane, greedy, old man! Who cares about none of his employees who work hard for him and break their backs and necks for him!"

"Edge man, just take it eas-

Before Randy could finish, Edge slammed Randy's head into a locker.

"I'm okay" Randy said as he lay on the floor. "Just bleeding enternally down here"

"Know what? Since you're no longer my boss, I can now do this" Edge said, grabbing a quart of egg nog, pouring down Vince's pants.

Vince stood there with a shocked look on his face.

"And this"

Edge then cut off half of Vince's tie, blew his nose with it, and rubbed it in Vince's face.

"And how about this?"

Edge rammed his knee into Vince's crotch.

"Or this?"

Edge then took Vince's hand and repeatedly slammed the lap top screen down on it.

Vince layed there in pain next to Randy after the deed was done.

"You'll be sorry for firing me one day. You'll see, you'll all see!" Edge yelled, slamming the door behind him.

Edge left the arena for the final time, not even looking back. On his way to his car, he slipped and fell again.

"Fuck Christmas!" He screamed.

He opened up his car door and drove into the night.

When he got to the hotel, he checked into his room and slammed the room dooe behind him. He didn't even unpack his bags. Instead, he threw them across the room.

He was so angry, he ripped apart the pillows that were on the bed until they were nothing more than feathers. Then he went into the bathroom and punched the mirror, leaving a large crack in it. He tipped over a couple of tables.

"God dammit! I hate WWE! I hate Mcmahon! I hate Christmas! I hate my whole fucking life! I wish I was never even born!"

With that, Edge threw himself onto the bed and layed there until he fell asleep.

He was asleep for a couple of hours, when suddenly, he was awakened by a bright light and noise.

"What's that? Who's there?" Edge asked.

In front of him stood a man in a large white robe.

"My name is Alan, and I am your guardian angel. I'm here to show you what the world would be like if you were never born."

Stay tuned for chapter 2.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2.

"Who the hell are you? What are you doing in my hotel room?" Edge asked in shock and awe.

'Well I told you, I am your guardian angel, and I am here to shoe you what this world would be like if you were never in it" Alan replied.

"Okay, just when I thought tonight couldn't get any worse, an escaped mental patient breaks into my hotel room claiming to be an angel!"

"Come now Edge, don't you believe in angels?"

"Sure, I also believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny! Oh, I also know a lot about leprechauns and a funny Carlos Mencia!"

"I take that as sarcasm" Alan said, rolling his eyes.

"Look, you got 30 seconds to get the hell out of here before I call the fucking cops on your ass!" Edge threatened.

"I can't go anywhere Edge, not until I teach you a valuable lesson and earn my wings" Alan explained.

"Okay, it's been about 10 seconds now, 11 seconds, 12 seconds, 13 seconds.. you know what? Fuck it, I'm calling the cops now" Edge said, reaching for the phone.

"Not a good idea to call the police on an angel, Edge" Alan said.

"Whatever"

As soon as Edge picked up the phone, Alan it turned into a dove and it flew away.

"WHAT THE HELL! HOW DID YOU DO THAT?" Edge asked in shock.

"Well I told you, I'm an angel, I can do anything"

"Oh really? Well if you're an angel... walk right through that door over there"

"If you insist"

Alan accepted Edge's demand and walked right through the door like a ghost, then did it again, and again. Alan was enjoying it.

"This is rather fun, I don't know why I don't do it more often! Wooo!" Alan stated as he continued to go through the door as if it were some sort of fun activity.

"Alright alright alright! Fine! I believe you, you're an angel, happy!"

"Yes, very much so. I hate trying to prove to everyone that I'm an angel, I mean, I turn that phone into a dove and you still ask for proof? Where's the justice?" Alan asked, rather frustrated.

"Just shut up and get to the point of why you're here" Edge demanded.

"Remember a few hours ago, your wish?"

"Wish? What wish?"

"Maybe this will refresh your memory"

Alan magically formed a cloud and opened it up, showing a replay of what Edge had said earlier that night.

"God dammit! I hate WWE! I hate Mcmahon! I hate Christmas! I hate my whole fucking life! I wish I was never even born!" Edge said in the replay.

Alan made the cloud disappear.

"Oh yeah, that. Well can you blame me? My life sucks!" Edge said.

"You may feel that way Edge, but there are a lot of people who love you, and they'd be awfully different if you were never around to make that big impact on them" Alan went on.

"Come on, things wouldn't be that different."

"Oh but how wrong you are. Tonight, I can show you just how much you matter to the world, and how everyone's lives would have been effected had you never existed"

"Hmm... I don't know" Edge said, worried.

"Come now Edge, I can show you just how loved you really are, and I can finally earn my wings." Alan insisted.

"Well... okay, but this better not be a rip off"

"Nothing of the kind. Now, hold on to my robe, we have a lot to see tonight"

Edge grabbed Alan's robe, and with a bright flash of light, they disappeared from the hotel room.

They then appeared in a beautfful, warm home.

"Were are we?" Edge asked, baffled.

"In a world were you don't exist" Alan explained. 'You're going to see a lot of changes here Edge."

'Who's house is this anyway?" Edge asked, looking around.

Suddenly, he saw Lita walking down the stairs.

"Oh my god, it's Lita" Edge said in surprise.

Edge and Alan looked on as Lita started putting decorations on the Christmas tree. There didn't seem to be anybody around, it was as if she lived alone. She seemed really sad.

"Oh my god, poor Lita. She's living alone, all by herself." Edge said sadly. "Nobody should have to spend this time of year alone, nobody"

"Clearly with you never around, she never had the confidence to go back into the dating world, rendering her single and lonely after her break up with Matt" Alan explained.

"Li, I'm so sorr...

Before Edge could finish his sentence, he was interrupted by the loud voice of Matt Hardy.

"Lita, baby, I'm home!" Matt yelled from the front door.

"Hey what the hell?" Edge cried out in surprise.

"Sweetheart! Oh I'm so glad you're home!" Lita exclaimed, hugging Matt and kissing him. "Merry Christmas Eve".

"Didn't they fucking break up!" Edge asked Alan, infuriated.

"Well, in this universe, they must have never seperated" Alan said, baffled.

"Merry Christmas Eve to you too babe. What are the kids up to?" Matt asked.

"Oh they were waiting for you to get home, they're upstairs playing. I'll call them down. Jessica, Timmy, Matthew jr, come downstairs, daddy's home!"

"DADDY!" They all exclaimed as they ran downstairs in excitment.

They all three jumped up and down waiting to be hugged. Matt kneeled down and hugged all three of them at once with a giant, loving hug.

"So kids, you ready for Santa tonight?" Matt asked.

"YEAH!" They all yelled happily.

"They have kids too? Jesus Christ, I thought she was supposed to be miserable!" Edge yelled.

"Well I'm sure she must be a little..." Alan said, just as confused as Edge.

"The tree looks so prettyful this year" Jessica said.

"That it does sweety, that is does, but wha'ts a tree without a star?" Lita said, pulling the star out of the decorations box, putting it on top of the tree.

"Now our tree is perfect, just like our family" Matt said, kissing Lita.

"Eeeew! Mommy, daddy, get a room" Matt jr. joked.

'Not my room I hope!" Timmy said, making everyone laugh.

"They're lives are a million times better without me! How can this get any worse!" Edge asked.

"Who's ready for cookies?" Jeff Hardy said, coming into the room with Christmas cookies.

"I had to ask" Edge said sarcastically. "Man, Jeff looks so.. so clean, it's like he never even touched drugs before."

"Man, it feels good to never have touched drugs before." Jeff said.

"Dammit" Edge said.

"Hey Li, thanks for teaching me how to bake, these cookies are to die for, not to brag." Jeff told her, eating one of the cookies he had just made.

"Not a problem" Lita said with a mouth full of cookie.

"Thank you Uncle Jeff" All the kids thanked.

"You're very welcome kids, Uncle Jeff loves you."

"Okay, it officially can't get any worse than this." Edge told Alan.

"Hey buddy, how'd those cookies turn out?" CM Punk asked, coming from downstairs.

"JEFF HARDY IS FUCKING BEST FRIENDS WITH CM PUNK?" Edge cried out in disbelief.

"Well let's not jump to conclusions." Alan reassured him. "Just because he called him his buddy doesn't mean..

"Thye came out great, gosh, it sure does kick ass having a best friend like you Punk." Jeff said.

"This isn't going over too well with you, is it?" Alan asked a pissed off Edge.

"Oh gee, do you think?" Edge asked sarcastically.

"Hey, maybe later we can all head over to my place for some non-alcoholic egg nog!" Punk exclaimed.

"Sounds like a plan" Jeff said, hugging his best friend in the whole world, CM Punk.

"This is gonna be the best Christmas ever!" Timmy said.

"Okay, get me outta here, I've seen enough! They're all better without me!" Edge cried out.

"Alright, this wasn't the best example, let's try someone else." Alan said, transporting them away from Matt and Lita's house.

"This next one better not piss me off." Edge warned.

Stay tuned for chapter 3.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3.

After seeing Lita and Matt's lives, Alan transported Edge to the next person's life.

"That was a complete and utter waste of time! They were living pretty damn good if you ask me!" Edge exclaimed, letting go of Alan's robe.

"Okay okay, so Lita was doing better if you were never born, and Matt, and Jeff, and Punk... where was I? Oh right, trust me, nothing else will be like what we just saw." Alan assured.

"Whatever. Now where are we?"

"We're at an arena, a WWE show is taking place here."

"Oh no, no no no, I want nothing more to do with that company. They can all go to Hell in a handbasket for all I care. I'm done with everyone there. Who's life are we looking at anyway?"

"Take a look see." Alan said, pointing to Randy Orton, who was pacing around the backstage area, looking worried.

"Randy? Why the hell are we looking at his life?" Edge asked.

"You were his first tag team partner after he was kicked out of Evolution. That really did play a big part in his career, whether you realize it or not." Alan explained.

"Come on, Rated RKO didn't make things that different, we were only together for 6 months."

"You're wrong Edge. You were his first tag team partner since Evolution gave him the boot. Don't you see Edge? You clearly taught him how to trust people again. Just look at him, clearly without you he's lost faith in all people and keeps to himself, letting nobody in."

"Oh my gosh, the poor guy." Edge said, feeling guilty as he watched Randy pace back and forth rather angrily.

"Why's he pacing around like that? Why is he drinking?" Edge asked.

"Doesn't look too happy does he? In this universe he's obviously depressed and alcoholic. He may not keep his job for much longer." Alan replied.

"Man, I feel like a jackass, if only I could do something."

"Too bad you were never born."

"Poor Randy." Edge said.

Suddenly, Randy's cell phone rang and he answered it.

"There you are!" Randy exclaimed. "It's about time you called, I've been sipping on this bottle of liquor and waiting all night! We need to have a talk about my upcoming 500th magazine cover shoot."

Randy threw down the bottle and went into a very nice looking private locker room, which was exclusively for him.

"Holy shit, Orton's got a nice place here. Are these couches real leather?" Edge asked.

"No no no, we can do the magazine shoot after I make my appearances on Jimmy Kimmel, Jay Leno, Conon O'Brien, David Letterman, and Craig Ferguson next Tuesday. I don't care if it'll be 5 in the morning, you get me to that studio! I didn't become the longest reiging WWE champion in the past 50 years to have idiots like you messing up my perfect schedule!" Randy yelled towards the person over the phone.

"Longest reiging WWE champion in the past 50 years? How long's he had that title?" Edge asked.

"Look, you just tell them that the 4 year WWE champion Randy Orton demands they make the time, and they'll be on their knees kissing my ass." Randy said.

"4 FUCKING YEARS?" Edge cried out in disbelief.

"I don't quite understand what's going on here. I thought for sure Randy's life would be a little bad." Alan said, trying to make sense of everything.

"In fact, tell them when I won too. Keep the idiots in awe, saying when I won the title makes it sound even longer than simply saying 4 years. That's right, October 9, 2006. Remember that date."

"October 9 2006? That's the date we formed Rated RKO!" Edge yelled.

"WOULD HAVE formed Rated RKO, you weren't born, remember? I guess without a tag team partner, Randy was able to jump high into success and stay there." Alan said.

"Hold on, I have another call." Randy said, switching calls. "Hey what's goin on? No, no I can't come to the party tonight, really wish I could man. But hey, save me a hooker alright? Alright man, take care."

Another one of Randy's cell phones rang.

"Hello? Why yes, I can do another autograph session, just name the time and the place. Yep, you got it, I'll be there." Randy said, hanging up.

"Jesus Christ, he's doing a billion times better than me, he's better off too!" Edge complained.

"Well I...

"Just shut up." Edge said, interrupting Alan.

"Hey Randy, everything okay enough for you in here? Can I get you anything else, you wonderful money attraction you?" Vince Mcmahon asked when he came through the door.

"Nope boss, that should just about do it in here. But hey, do make sure someobody has the hot tub runnin in about 20 minutes." Randy replied.

"Alright, no problem Mr. Orton, after all, you're my #1 guy. I wouldn't want the highest paid superstar in WWE history to be uncomfortable in any way." Vince said, leaving Randy's dressing room.

"My god even his own boss is lesser than him? How fucking great does he have it?" Edge asked as he began to become more and more inufiated with Alan by the minuted.

"Well I'm sure it can't get any worse." Alan said, hoping to reassure Edge.

Suddenly, Randy pressed a button that droped pounds of cash from a chute that was in the ceiling.

Randy rubbed the money against his chest and snified it.

"Ah, sweet, sweet money." Randy said with delight. "I'd be lost without you."

Edge and Alan stood there in shock.

"NEXT!" Edge screamed to Alan, having seen enough.

Edge grabbed Alan's robe, and with a snap of Alan's fingers, they were gone.

Stay tuned for chapter 4.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4.

"God, now where are we?" Edge asked in an irritated tone of voice once they arrived in a run down, disgusting apartment building.

"If my calculations are right, we should be at Christian's life." Alan replied, looking around.

"Alright good, lord knows he wouldn't be ANYWHERE without me."

Edge looked around too, trying to spot Christian, but all he saw was a bunch of drug dealing thugs sitting around a table.

"Gee, Christian must be a drug dealer, hanging around these thugs in this shitty apartment." Edge wondered.

'Exactly." Alan agreed. "No doubt he'll soon be soon be caught by the law and thrown in prison for his crimes. Without growing up with your influence he turned to the wrong crowd."

"So listen, as soon as he gets back with the stuff, we had back to the meth lab down the street." One of the thugs said.

"They must be talking about Christian." Edge said. "This is all my fault."

"Yo guys, I got the shit!" A hispanic man said, coming through the door with a bag full of meth ingredients.

"Bout time shithead." Another one of the thugs said.

"Hey wait a minute, if the guy they were talking about was this asshole, then where the hell is...

Edge shut up when Christian kicked the door open, wearing an FBI uniform, carrying a gun and being followed by other FBI agents.

"Oh shit man, it's the pigs!" A thug exclaimed in fear.

One of the thugs tried running off, but was tackled and tazed by Christian, who handcuffed him.

"Alright boys, looks like your operation is officially shut down!" Christian declared as the FBI cuffed the thugs.

"Oh my god please tell me Christian isn't really with the FBI" Edge pleaded with Alan.

"Good work agent Reso." An agent congradulated.

'Oh it was nothing, all I did was track down the largest drug ring in the country. Anyone could have done that." Christian said.

"No, he's right, fantastic job Reso." The chief said, entering the room. "Nobody could have busted these monsters better than you. Where would we be without the FBI's leading agent?"

"Oh come on chief, I'm blushing. After all, I've done this a million times before, I could do it blindfolded. In fact I actually did once, remember?" Christian replied with a smile.

"You know you're my #1 agent buddy, if I were to ever retire, you'd definitely be first in line for the job as chief, no questions asked." Chief said.

"This isn't happening." Edge said with his face in his palms.

"It is, and I don't understand why. I would think SOMEONE'S life wold be miserable without you!" Alan yelled.

"Well he looks pretty fucking happy to me!" Edge screamed at the top of his lungs.

"Here you go chief, take this large bag of coke down to the evidence locker, the sooner it's away from these scumbags the better." Christian said, handing chief the bag.

"Oh Reso, could the FBI even exist without you?" Chief asked happily.

"Well it's a tough job, but somebody's gotta do it. Naah, I'm just kidding, it's not tough at all. I LOVE this job!"

"I've been saving this for an agent like you Reso, and by god I think you're the first agent who should wear the honor." Chief said, leaving the room.

"What's he talking about?" Edge asked to himself.

The Cheif arrived back in the room with a golden FBI jacket.

"Agent Reso, in honor of everything you've done for the FBI, I present to you, the golden jacket." Cheif said, presenting Christian with the jacket.

"Looks good on you buddy!" One of the agents said as Christian put the jacket on.

"Everybody, before you load these lowlives up to rot in prison, give Reso a round of applause, he deserves it!"

Everyone clapped in honor of the FBI's top agent.

"Thank you, thank you, no appluas necessary, I'm just doin my job. Oh who am I kiddin, clap away!" Christian said.

"Alright boys, load em' up." Cheif instructed.

The agents took the thugs out to the squad cars and hauled them off to federal prison.

"Oh gee, what a terrible life he leads." Edge told Alan sarcastically.

Alan just stood there, mouth gaped open in shock and awe at Christian's life.

"Just get us the fuck out of here! If you weren't an angel already I'd kill you right now!" Edge said, grabbing Alan's robe, disappearing on to the next life.

Stay tuned for chapter 5.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5.

Alan snapped he and Edge back to Edge's hotel room.

"Alright angel boy, you'd better have a good explanation for why everybody is doing a lot better off without me!" Edge exclaimed, tipping over a table in rage.

"I don't understand what's going on eitehr." Alan explained. "Usually when I do this there's at least ONE person whose life is completely miserable. At least one!"

"Well I guess congratulations are in order, you found someone who the world is officially better off without!"

"This doesn't seem possible, there are billions upon billions of people in the world, surely someone's life has to suck without you!"

"You had better find one or else I'll spear you straight to Hell, angel or no!" Edge threatened. "And we can't use my family because they don't count, they have no choice but to miss me."

"Alright alright, let me think... WAIT! What about Vickie? Vickie Guerrero?" Alan said with a snap of the finger.

"Oh yeah! That's right! I can't believe I didn't think of her sooner!" Edge exclaimed with a cheerful look on his face and happy tone in his voice. "I remember how bad her life was going until we got together, then she was happy again. This is it! This is my chance to shine, and your chance to get your wings! Let's go Alan, show me how miserable Vickie Guerrero's life would be without me!"

"Alright, here we go! Time to take a look at Vickie's life without Edge." Alan said, snapping his fingers, transporting them to Vickie's life.

"Hey, this doesn't look like Vickie's house." Edge said.

"This has to be the right place, I'm never wrong with this stuff." Alan said defensively.

"I suppose you're right, after all its a different dimension, she probably lives somewhere different now."

"Exactly, so without further adue, let's take a look at how miserable Vick..

"Ah, its good being the first female president of the United States of America." Vickie said, cutting off Alan as she turned around in her chair.

'WHAT?" Edge and Alan screamed simotaniously in disbelief.

"Hello?" Vickie answered when the telephone rang. "Yes, I can meet with the Queen of England at 3 to discuss world peace, just as soon as I sign the bill banning all guns and nuclear weapons in America."

"This isn't happening, please tell me this isn't happening." Edge said quietly in disbelief.

"Umm.. Edge I hate to burst your bubble, being an angel and all, but I think its happening." Alan said.

Edge took a deep breath. "Okay, not gonna lie, this bums me out big time. No way this could get any worse though, right?"

"You know Vickie, as the Vice President, I think I should inform you of how excellent a job you're doing keeping this country in tact." John Cena said, walking into the oval office.

"Oh, fuck me." Edge said, grinding his teeth.

"Thank you John." Vickie said. "Ever since I was a little girl, its been my dream to be President. Who would have thought the day would come?"

"Indeed. It's quite an honor having you lead this great country, and it's even greater helping you lead this country." John stated.

"So, when should we make our announcement?" Vickie asked.

"Whenever you're ready, honey." John said, kissing Vickie.

"I just can't wait, in a few months, WE'RE GETTNG MARRIED!" Vickie cried happily, kissing John back.

"I'M OUTTA HERE!" Edge screamed, grabbing Alan's robe and making him snap his fingers, transporting them back to reality.

Stay tuned for chapter 6


End file.
